By Lindsay Hanson | June 25th, 2026
Gosh, that can feel so frustrating. No matter what the content of the fight is, it just feels like you’re having the exact same argument over and over again.
Sometimes you’re not even sure how it starts. You just notice your partner becoming defensive or withdrawing. Or maybe you’re experiencing anger, criticism, or frustration from your partner. Before long, both of you are caught in a cycle of defensiveness, anger, withdrawal, and retreat.
And that can feel so scary, so hopeless, and incredibly lonely.
The way I make sense of these patterns is that couples often aren’t able to slow down enough to understand what they’re really asking for underneath the conflict.
Because underneath the anger, defensiveness, and hurt are often deeper questions:
Do I matter to you?
Am I important to you?
Do you love me?
Am I acceptable to you?
In moments of escalation, it can feel like the answer to those questions is no. Instead of feeling reassurance and connection, you’re hearing criticism, defensiveness, or silence. And that can create a deep sense of pain, fear, and aloneness.
My work is about helping couples slow this process down. Together, we begin to make sense of what’s happening underneath the conflict and get to the more vulnerable emotions and needs that are often hidden by the argument itself.
When couples can begin sharing those deeper feelings, they can have a different conversation with each other. And conflict no longer has to feel so devastating. Instead, it can become an opportunity to understand each other more deeply and create a stronger sense of connection.